Dear Professor Blackstone,
My name is Low Boon Kiat. I am going to do a
self-introduction for you to know me better in your effective communication class.
The course that I am currently studying is Sustainable Infrastructure
Engineering (Land) at the Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). Before SIT, I
graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a Diploma in Energy System and
Management about two years ago.
Honestly, I do not have much passion for engineering, but
since the standard of living in Singapore is so high and people must compete
for a high paying job position in the industry. Therefore, I must further my
studies and get a degree, in order to overcome the difficulties and stresses
currently faced in Singapore.
As for my strength, I feel that I am well-conversed with
small groups of people in and outside of my comfort zone. When discussing
ideas, I feel more confident to present my idea to a rather small group of
people.
I find that my greatest weakness is giving presentations.
Whenever I was holding notes or papers while giving a presentation, my hand will
be shaking. I tend to avoid eye contact with the audiences, fidget unknowingly
and stutter at words which have many syllabus or words difficult to pronounce.
All these problems are just simply mean that I am just being nervous.
With your mentoring, I know that you will be able to hone my
confidence and communication skills with ease. As for my goals in this
effective communication module, are to at least be able to give proper
presentation and pass this module. But ultimately, I hope to discover new things
on communication and to enlighten my knowledge on it, as well as enjoying the
process of this module.
Yours sincerely,
Low Boon Kiat
SIE2016 Tutorial Group 5
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Boon Kiat,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this honest reflection. I like the way you explain openly why you have taken up this course. You also touch on each of the other points required for the assignment, though at just beyond a minimum. I do appreciate your feeling that you can improve your skills development with this module.
Let's start with language use.
1. sentence structure
-- Honestly, I do not have much passion for engineering, but since the standard of living in Singapore is so high and people must compete for a high paying job position in the industry. > (fragmented second clause)
Honestly, I do not have much passion for engineering, but since the standard of living in Singapore is so high and people must compete for a high paying job position in the industry, I must further my studies and get a degree in order to overcome the difficulties and stresses currently faced in Singapore.
-- With your mentoring, I know that you will be able to hone my confidence ... > (You?)
Try: With your mentoring, I hope to be able to hone my confidence
2. phrasing
-- I feel that I am well-conversed with small groups > well-conversed?
3. verb tense
-- Whenever I was holding notes or papers while giving a presentation, my hand will be shaking. >. ?
This is a good start. Please review my comments and see if you understand the recommendations, then make the needed changes once you've heard from your blogging buddies.
Cheers,
Brad
Hi Boon Kiat, Kang Le here. Please correct me if I am wrong and I apologise beforehand as I am not very sure of the parts I have point out.
ReplyDeleteFrom the 4th paragraph - "Whenever I was holding notes.....my hand will be shaking." I think you meant hands instead of hand and also will to would since the start is in past tense?
Also from paragraph 4 - I'm not sure which will be more apt audience or audiences and from the sentence "...words difficult to pronounce" or "words that are difficult to pronounce"
But overall, I find your letter writing great as there are sufficient content and each paragraphs are clear in making your point.
Hi Boon Kiat, Sangara here.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate your honesty for choosing an engineering course and applaud that you have satisfied the requirements for the assignments.
However, I believe that you are not able to express your words properly in most of the paragraphs. For an example,
"Whenever I was holding notes or papers while giving a presentation, my hand will be shaking."
"All these problems are just simply mean that I am just being nervous"
"As for my goals in this effective communication module, are to at least be able to give proper presentation and pass this module
2) This entire paragraph has sentence structure issue.
"Honestly, I do not have much passion for engineering, but since the standard of living in Singapore is so high and people must compete for a high paying job position in the industry. Therefore, I must further my studies and get a degree, in order to overcome the difficulties and stresses currently faced in Singapore."
3)You never start a sentence with conjunction. "But ultimately.."
Thank you and looking forward to learn with you.
Dear Boon Kiat,
ReplyDeleteChek Eu here, thanks for the well written formal letter. Here are a few pointers for improvement.
1) “I am going to do a self-introduction for you to know me better in your effective communication class.” Instead of writing this, I would write “I am writing this letter to introduce myself for you to know me better.”
2) “Before SIT, I graduated from Singapore Polytechnic with a Diploma in Energy System and Management about two years ago.” I feel that SIT is uses wrongly here, as SIT is a school name. it should be “Before I came into SIT.”
3) “Whenever I was holding notes or papers while giving a presentation, my hand will be shaking.” I feel that “was” is use wrongly and the paper is unnecessary. I will change it to “Whenever I am holding notes during presentation, my hand will be shaking.
4) “I tend to avoid eye contact with the audiences, fidget unknowingly and stutter at words which have many syllabus or words difficult to pronounce.” I feel that you should end the sentence at “stutter at words” instead of extending the sentence.
5) “All these problems are just simply mean that I am just being nervous.” I feel that what you’re trying to convey is “All these problems occur, whenever I am nervous.”
6) “With your mentoring, I know that you will be able to hone my confidence and communication skills with ease.” I feel that this sentence needs to improve. However, I cannot pin point the issue. This statement just feel weird.